Forgiveness

I am on a forgiveness journey.  

I've recently recalled a slew of things that happened to me since I was aware of things. It's so hard recalling them. Some of the things happened when I was too young to be able to articulate how I feel. Some of the later incidents I didn't want to process and just swept them under the carpet. 

I realized now that these incidents shaped my life, my fears and insecurities, my choices and inability to say no, and many other consequences that I have lived through or am currently still going through. After all, what is happening today is the consequences of choices we made "yesterday", isn't it?

It's interesting how they have resurfaced like a tidal wave now and only now. It's unsettling. But I guess I can't move on until I confront them and choose to forgive the people involved, whether I know them or not, whether they are still around or not.

There was this one day last month where I literally had a meltdown and poured out as fast as I could, what had happened. A lot of the things, hubby did not know and a couple of incidents he knew the bare facts and nothing more. So now he knows. He consoled me and encouraged me to write them down.

Perhaps I should do that, so that I can see it, process it, forgive the party/parties involved (including myself), and let it go. I also need to remember that forgiveness is a decision. Once I state my forgiveness, I will not be deceived by the enemy, whispering in my ears that I've not really forgiven since I still have feelings about it. I may feel angst and emotional but they are just feelings.

I'm sure that this is going to be a painful but worthy journey, but it has to be done.

Here we go.

New Season

A new season is upon me.

Well, I'm not as angry with myself anymore.

Today, I've deactivated my main FB account and proceeded to limit my "study" FB account. I want to use FB to help me in my walk with God, no nonsense, no whining, no gossip.

All is good. Be back shortly.

What Are Words? (My Thoughts)

It's true, isn't it? What are words when you don't really mean them when you say them? I mean, how many times have people make promises only to break them? 

I have issues with words. Words that are spoken, oh so carelessly. Words spoken without any thought of where and how it would land. Words that are spoken rashly. Words that pour out endlessly, serving no other purpose than to gain self-pity or exhibit one's self-righteousness. Words spoken by empty-vessels who have myopic views and no big picture views at all.

Do you have those people in your life? Everyone has them. I think the most frequent offender stares back at me in the mirror.

How many times have I promised myself, that I would not repeat the same mistake? Not to give in? You want to know how many times? Countless!!!!!

I had a revelation that I seriously need some boundaries. Hard lines drawn, build a thick wall and take the ladder away from me, kind of boundaries. Because unless I change, I am going to attract like-minded people, people without boundaries. 

I am so angry at myself and have been so for the past couple of months. I shall stop here and come back when I'm less angry. 

What Are Words? (YouTube Video)

Enjoy this beautiful song by Chris Medina

What Are Words

Anywhere you are

I am near

Anywhere you go

I'll be there

Anytime you whisper my name

You'll see

Every single promise I'll keep

'Cause what kind of guy

Would I be

If I was to leave

When you need me most

What are words if you really

Don't mean them when you say them

What are words if they're only

For good times then that's all

When it's love ya you say them

Out loud these words

They never go away

They live on

Even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent

Just for me an I know I'm meant

To be where I am and I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words if you really

Don't mean them when you say them

What are words if they're only

For good times then that's all

When it's love ya you say them

Out loud these words

They never go away

They live on

Even when we're gone

Anywhere you are

I am near

Anywhere you go

I'll be there

And I'm gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I'll keep

'Cause what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave

When you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Two Days Before Christmas

I can't believe that Christmas is only 2 days away. 

The malls and the roads are crazy right now. Many have been infected with the "crazy driver" syndrome. 😓 You really have to be so alert on the roads. I don't mind the crowd and queues everywhere, because Singapore's weekend crowds is pretty much about there in town. I am not very happy with the traffic, or rather the crazy driving. A car is basically like a death machine but not many people seem to get that. And then there is the talking on the phone or texting while driving, can you say death wish?????

On another note, the library was surprisingly peaceful today. I spent like 1.5 hours at the library with a journal and my planner. It was quite fruitful. Hubby was busy bringing the peeps who have just arrived to the bank, sign their apartment lease and get their cellphones. So I had initially gone to Michael's and after that I got bored, that usually means I either end up at a library or at Barnes and Noble. Today I decided not to venture to the mall where Barnes and Noble is located, and ended up at the library nearest to where hubby was doing his thing.

The parking lot at the library was pretty empty. 😊And that means that I got my own big table at the library. Super happy. Listened to some podcast while I journal away. Happy!

Hubby and I met up about 2:45pm to grab our lunch at a nearby, small Asian eatery. I managed to still get their cheapish lunch specials. Nothing special, just food. Get it in the stomach and move on. Hubby's choice was very nice though, but mine was less than half the price of his. Haha! I wasn't really in a craving mood, and I just want to get some food and I wasn't too particular.

Came home after late lunch and now we are at home. Did some pickup and small clean up around the house and wrapped the Christmas present for our Landlord. The Landlord called to say that he wants to come over to give us a present for Christmas. 😆 Hope it's not something extravagant, or I'll feel so bad. 

Typing this now as I have some time to kill while the hubby is doing his research on some knives and stones. He is very into knives, as in expensive kitchen knives and keeping them sharp. He had just ordered me a bread knife off of Amazon. Hahaha. So I'll leave him to it, while I listened to a YouTube Video on combining a bullet journal with GTD, and type out this blog entry. 

The workbook and planner that I ordered, probably would not reach me in time for me to do my set up. I'm looking at changing my plans. The delivery is all crazy now, with the sudden influx in numbers and probably weather conditions and delays. Oh well, thankfully the planner that I ordered is non-dated, so no biggie. The workbook, my guess is that it would arrive really close to the New Year, hopefully. Anyway, the video sounds really interesting, I think I shall go pay it more attention.