I am on a forgiveness journey.
I've recently recalled a slew of things that happened to me since I was aware of things. It's so hard recalling them. Some of the things happened when I was too young to be able to articulate how I feel. Some of the later incidents I didn't want to process and just swept them under the carpet.
I realized now that these incidents shaped my life, my fears and insecurities, my choices and inability to say no, and many other consequences that I have lived through or am currently still going through. After all, what is happening today is the consequences of choices we made "yesterday", isn't it?
It's interesting how they have resurfaced like a tidal wave now and only now. It's unsettling. But I guess I can't move on until I confront them and choose to forgive the people involved, whether I know them or not, whether they are still around or not.
There was this one day last month where I literally had a meltdown and poured out as fast as I could, what had happened. A lot of the things, hubby did not know and a couple of incidents he knew the bare facts and nothing more. So now he knows. He consoled me and encouraged me to write them down.
Perhaps I should do that, so that I can see it, process it, forgive the party/parties involved (including myself), and let it go. I also need to remember that forgiveness is a decision. Once I state my forgiveness, I will not be deceived by the enemy, whispering in my ears that I've not really forgiven since I still have feelings about it. I may feel angst and emotional but they are just feelings.
I'm sure that this is going to be a painful but worthy journey, but it has to be done.
Here we go.
