Forgiveness

I am on a forgiveness journey.  

I've recently recalled a slew of things that happened to me since I was aware of things. It's so hard recalling them. Some of the things happened when I was too young to be able to articulate how I feel. Some of the later incidents I didn't want to process and just swept them under the carpet. 

I realized now that these incidents shaped my life, my fears and insecurities, my choices and inability to say no, and many other consequences that I have lived through or am currently still going through. After all, what is happening today is the consequences of choices we made "yesterday", isn't it?

It's interesting how they have resurfaced like a tidal wave now and only now. It's unsettling. But I guess I can't move on until I confront them and choose to forgive the people involved, whether I know them or not, whether they are still around or not.

There was this one day last month where I literally had a meltdown and poured out as fast as I could, what had happened. A lot of the things, hubby did not know and a couple of incidents he knew the bare facts and nothing more. So now he knows. He consoled me and encouraged me to write them down.

Perhaps I should do that, so that I can see it, process it, forgive the party/parties involved (including myself), and let it go. I also need to remember that forgiveness is a decision. Once I state my forgiveness, I will not be deceived by the enemy, whispering in my ears that I've not really forgiven since I still have feelings about it. I may feel angst and emotional but they are just feelings.

I'm sure that this is going to be a painful but worthy journey, but it has to be done.

Here we go.

New Season

A new season is upon me.

Well, I'm not as angry with myself anymore.

Today, I've deactivated my main FB account and proceeded to limit my "study" FB account. I want to use FB to help me in my walk with God, no nonsense, no whining, no gossip.

All is good. Be back shortly.

What Are Words? (My Thoughts)

It's true, isn't it? What are words when you don't really mean them when you say them? I mean, how many times have people make promises only to break them? 

I have issues with words. Words that are spoken, oh so carelessly. Words spoken without any thought of where and how it would land. Words that are spoken rashly. Words that pour out endlessly, serving no other purpose than to gain self-pity or exhibit one's self-righteousness. Words spoken by empty-vessels who have myopic views and no big picture views at all.

Do you have those people in your life? Everyone has them. I think the most frequent offender stares back at me in the mirror.

How many times have I promised myself, that I would not repeat the same mistake? Not to give in? You want to know how many times? Countless!!!!!

I had a revelation that I seriously need some boundaries. Hard lines drawn, build a thick wall and take the ladder away from me, kind of boundaries. Because unless I change, I am going to attract like-minded people, people without boundaries. 

I am so angry at myself and have been so for the past couple of months. I shall stop here and come back when I'm less angry. 

What Are Words? (YouTube Video)

Enjoy this beautiful song by Chris Medina

What Are Words

Anywhere you are

I am near

Anywhere you go

I'll be there

Anytime you whisper my name

You'll see

Every single promise I'll keep

'Cause what kind of guy

Would I be

If I was to leave

When you need me most

What are words if you really

Don't mean them when you say them

What are words if they're only

For good times then that's all

When it's love ya you say them

Out loud these words

They never go away

They live on

Even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent

Just for me an I know I'm meant

To be where I am and I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words if you really

Don't mean them when you say them

What are words if they're only

For good times then that's all

When it's love ya you say them

Out loud these words

They never go away

They live on

Even when we're gone

Anywhere you are

I am near

Anywhere you go

I'll be there

And I'm gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I'll keep

'Cause what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave

When you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Homeward Bound

And just like that, our 2 years in the desert is done and we will be leaving the Land of the Free on the 23rd of this month. It has been a crazy week, all the packing, cleaning, tossing, donating and selling.

God has been so good despite my mustard-seed-sized faith. During this tour, we bought a total of 3 cars. All 3 were sold to the very first person who viewed the car. Especially for my car, there were no viewers over almost 6 months. And the guy who bought it, he saw it, drove it, loved it and we went to the bank to get the transaction done. All completed in under 2 hours, from the time he viewed the car, to the time he dropped us off at the car rental company. 

This time round, we have 1 queen mattress, 1 king mattress plus frame, 1 sofa and a huge Ikea Kallax (4 x 4). The Kallax went within a day of advertising it.  The other 3 big ticket items (as in how are we going to transport it to anywhere) were left. There were many enquirers but no one actually wanted to buy it or have the necessary means of transportation. 

Then on the day before the movers came to collect our boxes, there was a frenzy in the morning and after lunch, both the mattresses, the bed frame and sofa were all sold and collected. God is really always very on time. We could stay comfortably in the house till the boxes leave. It's just that my faith is so tiny that I panicked like nobody's business. My body is so tired and I wondered how I could help to move the things onto a truck. I was calling and asking for places who would take in the items and if they could do a pickup, but in the end they were all sold for very little, like the king bed and frame for 10% of what we got it for, but we were glad it went and we didn't have to deal with it anymore.

I'm now typing this out in the hotel lobby, while the housekeeping is on our floor. Hubby is in the house waiting for the carpet cleaning people and we will handover the house this afternoon. My entire body is in desperate need of rest. Thank God for hubby who is clearing his vacation days just to do all these things. I am so thankful.

Blessed New Year

Hei Hei! Blessed New Year!

Another year gone and a NEW one has started. 

We were supposed to go to Phoenix on Saturday but Hubby literally pulled a muscle in his back right before we left the house. 😑 I've been through this so many times, I know it's gonna hurt something bad. He still wanted to bring me there to spend the day but I told him, no.

We went instead to a local coffee shop. I enjoyed my chai tea and we shared 2 scones. Yummy! Also went to Target where I got 2 very different looking Christmas stockings for 70% off. One has his initial but I could not find mine. T-T And the other one was the gray sugar paper one that I was trying to hunt down and there was only the one left, and hence we'd be having 2 totally different stockings. Oh well, they look good individually so who cares! After that, I hopped to Michael's, where I got a bunch of TN inserts at 60% off. Not quite sure about them, but I'd use any journals, so there.

Back to talking about the NEW Year. As usual, I planned on doing so much everyday. But I had to go with my priority list, which puts hubby first before everything else. So I decided to be present and live in the moment, rather than just go through my checklist of things to do.

We went for a lovely brunch at a new place for hubby.  He liked the shared small plate of mushrooms the most. Hehehe. 

What I managed to do today:

1. Hobonichi Entry

2. Artist of Life Workbook (3 questions for 2017 reflection)

3. Passion Planner 2017 (end of month review for December 2017)

4. Passion Planner 2018 (logging the day)

5. Illustrated Faith Planner (Gratitude List for the day)

6. This blog entry

7. Kept Christmas lights

8. Cooked dinner

Actually, quite a good day, considering I was out for a good part of the day.